Monday, July 30, 2012
Making Peace & Closure
Three years of waiting to come home and every night of thinking of him in Sad Town have culminated to this point.
I was anticipating my homecoming to Singapore to be a lot more exciting and our meeting ups to be more heart warming. He seemed rather excited when I first made the announcement that I was coming back- the places he could take me to dine and all. In fact, he was the first to reply all excited amongst my friends.
Of course, none of that happened. We saw each other twice briefly and each time, it made me realise that some things are best left as they were to four and a half years ago.
The Old Boy, naturally has had new play. I wasn't even going to try to outdo them. Maybe deep in my heart, I know it would be a futile exercise. I wasn't about to pit myself against his working girls. I never thought I was one of them. Jealousy has always been beneath me, which also happened to be the root (on his end) of how our affair had turned awry.
A couple of weeks ago, upon chancing on a piece of information, everything clicked in my heart. I got it.
If I had cried, I must have done it for a short while and as usual, into my pillow in the wee hours of the morning. Then I moved on and I finally understood this life lesson in my heart.
I now understood what he meant by the pain he felt akin to the knife I lunged into his heart and then pulling it in and out several times upon learning about my betrayal.
I understood why he couldn't take me back and be intimate with me again. Just like how I see him a different man now that I know of his affair with his cousin's then girlfriend, who was a girl I was super chummy with. I have dispelled all erotic desires I have for him.
Perhaps we are even.
And still, he tried to be there for me and had blatantly hinted to me to lie to him about the nature of my affair with the nemesis being "involuntary" just so he could find it in his heart to take me back again.
****
A message mis-sent.
It was meant for a girlfriend.
I was still sleeping in the hotel room at the Marina Bay Sands and could not make it back in time to meet her. I texted that.
I had a very late night (or rather morning) with Shania, Photo and Gem.
Gem left for work. Shania and Photo were out running errands. Late check-out was requested on my behalf.
Sent to wrong person? So who you lying in bed with eh?:)
I was surprised with my mistake. Then came another text attempting to sound casual.
Hee hee. Pray tell. With whom? Eh?:) spill it. Guess u got yr mojo back eh?:)
How was I to get my mojo back seriously? All these years of wanting him and these three long years of my nightly routine where his name never failed to spring to mind as I lie in bed. Did he really think I would even check into a hotel with some random guy in the first place?
Why so mum? Come on. Wat else cud u be doing at mbs eh?
What was I to say, really? He was still as suspicious as before. But why should he care?
I didn't tell him that during that night that Gem, who stayed up with me tried a couple of times to get closer and hold my hand. We slept next to each other on the chaise lounge (since Shania and Photo had usurped the bed and were fast snoring asleep) and I simply closed my eyes in the night and folded my arms as I sleep. I had to call it a night (although I was hardly sleepy) as I knew that Gem and I were not going anywhere that night, intimately speaking and I was conscious that this guy had an busy corporate job to go to in less than hours. I just wanted peace and had no desire to start an on the side affair and have new play.
If I had my mojo back, the Gem and I could have gotten it on in the massive bathroom where I could have many adventurous ideas of having some adult fun with him. I am sure Gem would not resist my spontaniety.
Instead, my mind was alert for the most part and I remained vigilant all night until I could hear all three of them snoring soundly.
*****
The Old Boy had mentioned he likes Tim Tams.
I brought three boxes of double value packs worth of it back to distribute to friends and family.
On the two occasions we met, I didn't have Tim Tams on me.
On other occasions, he had mentioned that he could drop by my place as he was in the area, I was heading out.
Finally last Friday, I texted him about the outstanding biscuits and asked if he could drop by before 3.30pm to collect it from my house.
He was in the North side of town having lunch but will come by after that. I live in the East and it was not on the way.
But he turned up and for the first time, I invited him into my house although my mum was at home.
He declined but decided to come into my car porch since I did not want to stand outside his car talking to him in the sweltering heat.
I was also dressed in very casual clothes (as I have been doing for the first time in my numerous visits home) and did not attempt to pretty up for him as I was wont to do.
We started chatting about his work like friends do. He hasn't been doing well at work with a particular colleague. Then we moved on to other small talk about why I extended my trip by another week.
Yeah, if you have nothing to do back in Australia, you might as well stay longer, he said.
I do have lots to do actually and poor DL is holding the fort on his own, I quipped in light-heartedly.
I noted that his expression shifted uncomfortably at the very mention of DL.
(It was just like the day at the Holland Village where he was with his pinoy girlfriend and I was initially there with Photo. I had said to Photo that when I get married, he will be hired as my photographer and I will be mad if he doesn't take it up or something along the lines. The Old Boy was quick to look at me and added.
We will be mad if you got married, P.
I pretended I didn't hear him and moved on to another topic.)
I mentioned about how cheap Air Scoot has made coming back home a lot easier for me.
Hopefully, I could fit in a few more trips this year, I added.
Anyway, my next confirmed trip back was in 23rd February, I told him. This time with DL for two weeks, the second time home together in our twelve years of relationship.
He looked uncomfortable.
I reckon somehow we both know it would herald the end of our keeping in touch and a fresh beginning for me to work on my highly challenging relationship with DL. At least, I got one thing out of the way. I had made peace with myself with regards to the Old Boy. Maybe I would find my mojo back with my own boyfriend.
Perhaps today was the last day we were to see each other for the rest of our lives.
After ten to fifteen minutes of chatting, it was time for him to go. It was already 1.40pm and he had a 2pm meeting at the West end of town. He was going to be late.
I bidded him goodbye and asked him to get going. In my heart, I didn't have the yearning that I did in the past where I would plead, whinge and sulk my way for him to stay a bit longer for me.
Instead, inside me, I just wanted to wish him all the very best, happiness and hopefully, peace in his heart finally.
I love this man for so long and still I continue to love him. But I have made peace. It was time I move on and find my own happiness and I hope this old boy would someday find his own happiness instead of leading a repressed and lonely double life.
I sent him out of the golden gate of my house.
We looked at each other and smiled. That old familiar smile of affection and sentimentality.
Take care, I said.
Ping me when you are leaving, he said softly.
I will, I said. I don't know if I would really. After all, I must get a going with my life.
When he got into the car, I stood by the gate and I blew him a kiss. He smiled at me affectionately, like he understood and appreciated my feelings for him.
We didn't hug this time. I remembered all too well the scene of October 2008 where I stood there whilst he hugged me feeling like my life was over and once, he left, the floodgates opened and I busted into a dam of tears.
This time, this was it.
Like the old song, Thanks for the Memory:
No tears , no fuss
Hurray for us.
Thank you
Thank you so much.
Four years on, I have finally let go.
No dramatic endings or exits.
Just what I need.
A most beautiful parting shot etched in my mind, just like the magical day where we set eyes on each other finally on a magical Friday night after at least five hundred lyrical email exchanges of our deep, dark secrets.
I was anticipating my homecoming to Singapore to be a lot more exciting and our meeting ups to be more heart warming. He seemed rather excited when I first made the announcement that I was coming back- the places he could take me to dine and all. In fact, he was the first to reply all excited amongst my friends.
Of course, none of that happened. We saw each other twice briefly and each time, it made me realise that some things are best left as they were to four and a half years ago.
The Old Boy, naturally has had new play. I wasn't even going to try to outdo them. Maybe deep in my heart, I know it would be a futile exercise. I wasn't about to pit myself against his working girls. I never thought I was one of them. Jealousy has always been beneath me, which also happened to be the root (on his end) of how our affair had turned awry.
A couple of weeks ago, upon chancing on a piece of information, everything clicked in my heart. I got it.
If I had cried, I must have done it for a short while and as usual, into my pillow in the wee hours of the morning. Then I moved on and I finally understood this life lesson in my heart.
I now understood what he meant by the pain he felt akin to the knife I lunged into his heart and then pulling it in and out several times upon learning about my betrayal.
I understood why he couldn't take me back and be intimate with me again. Just like how I see him a different man now that I know of his affair with his cousin's then girlfriend, who was a girl I was super chummy with. I have dispelled all erotic desires I have for him.
Perhaps we are even.
And still, he tried to be there for me and had blatantly hinted to me to lie to him about the nature of my affair with the nemesis being "involuntary" just so he could find it in his heart to take me back again.
****
A message mis-sent.
It was meant for a girlfriend.
I was still sleeping in the hotel room at the Marina Bay Sands and could not make it back in time to meet her. I texted that.
I had a very late night (or rather morning) with Shania, Photo and Gem.
Gem left for work. Shania and Photo were out running errands. Late check-out was requested on my behalf.
Sent to wrong person? So who you lying in bed with eh?:)
I was surprised with my mistake. Then came another text attempting to sound casual.
Hee hee. Pray tell. With whom? Eh?:) spill it. Guess u got yr mojo back eh?:)
How was I to get my mojo back seriously? All these years of wanting him and these three long years of my nightly routine where his name never failed to spring to mind as I lie in bed. Did he really think I would even check into a hotel with some random guy in the first place?
Why so mum? Come on. Wat else cud u be doing at mbs eh?
What was I to say, really? He was still as suspicious as before. But why should he care?
I didn't tell him that during that night that Gem, who stayed up with me tried a couple of times to get closer and hold my hand. We slept next to each other on the chaise lounge (since Shania and Photo had usurped the bed and were fast snoring asleep) and I simply closed my eyes in the night and folded my arms as I sleep. I had to call it a night (although I was hardly sleepy) as I knew that Gem and I were not going anywhere that night, intimately speaking and I was conscious that this guy had an busy corporate job to go to in less than hours. I just wanted peace and had no desire to start an on the side affair and have new play.
If I had my mojo back, the Gem and I could have gotten it on in the massive bathroom where I could have many adventurous ideas of having some adult fun with him. I am sure Gem would not resist my spontaniety.
Instead, my mind was alert for the most part and I remained vigilant all night until I could hear all three of them snoring soundly.
*****
The Old Boy had mentioned he likes Tim Tams.
I brought three boxes of double value packs worth of it back to distribute to friends and family.
On the two occasions we met, I didn't have Tim Tams on me.
On other occasions, he had mentioned that he could drop by my place as he was in the area, I was heading out.
Finally last Friday, I texted him about the outstanding biscuits and asked if he could drop by before 3.30pm to collect it from my house.
He was in the North side of town having lunch but will come by after that. I live in the East and it was not on the way.
But he turned up and for the first time, I invited him into my house although my mum was at home.
He declined but decided to come into my car porch since I did not want to stand outside his car talking to him in the sweltering heat.
I was also dressed in very casual clothes (as I have been doing for the first time in my numerous visits home) and did not attempt to pretty up for him as I was wont to do.
We started chatting about his work like friends do. He hasn't been doing well at work with a particular colleague. Then we moved on to other small talk about why I extended my trip by another week.
Yeah, if you have nothing to do back in Australia, you might as well stay longer, he said.
I do have lots to do actually and poor DL is holding the fort on his own, I quipped in light-heartedly.
I noted that his expression shifted uncomfortably at the very mention of DL.
(It was just like the day at the Holland Village where he was with his pinoy girlfriend and I was initially there with Photo. I had said to Photo that when I get married, he will be hired as my photographer and I will be mad if he doesn't take it up or something along the lines. The Old Boy was quick to look at me and added.
We will be mad if you got married, P.
I pretended I didn't hear him and moved on to another topic.)
I mentioned about how cheap Air Scoot has made coming back home a lot easier for me.
Hopefully, I could fit in a few more trips this year, I added.
Anyway, my next confirmed trip back was in 23rd February, I told him. This time with DL for two weeks, the second time home together in our twelve years of relationship.
He looked uncomfortable.
I reckon somehow we both know it would herald the end of our keeping in touch and a fresh beginning for me to work on my highly challenging relationship with DL. At least, I got one thing out of the way. I had made peace with myself with regards to the Old Boy. Maybe I would find my mojo back with my own boyfriend.
Perhaps today was the last day we were to see each other for the rest of our lives.
After ten to fifteen minutes of chatting, it was time for him to go. It was already 1.40pm and he had a 2pm meeting at the West end of town. He was going to be late.
I bidded him goodbye and asked him to get going. In my heart, I didn't have the yearning that I did in the past where I would plead, whinge and sulk my way for him to stay a bit longer for me.
Instead, inside me, I just wanted to wish him all the very best, happiness and hopefully, peace in his heart finally.
I love this man for so long and still I continue to love him. But I have made peace. It was time I move on and find my own happiness and I hope this old boy would someday find his own happiness instead of leading a repressed and lonely double life.
I sent him out of the golden gate of my house.
We looked at each other and smiled. That old familiar smile of affection and sentimentality.
Take care, I said.
Ping me when you are leaving, he said softly.
I will, I said. I don't know if I would really. After all, I must get a going with my life.
When he got into the car, I stood by the gate and I blew him a kiss. He smiled at me affectionately, like he understood and appreciated my feelings for him.
We didn't hug this time. I remembered all too well the scene of October 2008 where I stood there whilst he hugged me feeling like my life was over and once, he left, the floodgates opened and I busted into a dam of tears.
This time, this was it.
Like the old song, Thanks for the Memory:
No tears , no fuss
Hurray for us.
Thank you
Thank you so much.
Four years on, I have finally let go.
No dramatic endings or exits.
Just what I need.
A most beautiful parting shot etched in my mind, just like the magical day where we set eyes on each other finally on a magical Friday night after at least five hundred lyrical email exchanges of our deep, dark secrets.
