Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Summing Up
I am back. Back in Sad Town yesterday-got delayed by a day as I missed my plane. Yet again.
It's now October 2008 and I almost feel that I have reached the end of the year. This has been a year of emotional turmoils, people write offs,missed or delayed plane rides. I felt the weight of the year on me. It's time I moved on to a new life.
Abandoned or half completed drafts of blog entries still continues to sit in the hard drive of my laptop, haunting me to tell my tales.
A few days ago, my heart continued to squeeze with the thought of letting the Old Boy go, those memories of glorious and affectionate moments with him. But thanks to V, she sorted me out on a Saturday night in my bedroom as I sobbed uncontrollably. The entire week I have been crying and was inconsolable. I didn't even have the heart to party on my last weekend and say a few superficial but indispenable goodbyes to the smart set despite a number of social invitations; very unlike me and my coping style. Instead, I allowed my grief to get the better of me and continued to pray silently that I could get well in time for the following Monday where a new life awaits- DL (ever as forgiving and loving), a likely professional arrangement to become my own boss and moving into a new home (yes, DL is looking to buy)...
Last week was definitely a week of making peace and coming to terms with things. I will be posting "Rainchecks and Bad Debts" in a while. As with the prospect of leading a blissful life comes with the small price tag of culling out the debris of my life in the form of writing off people like Nano, Big M and even initially, with gritted determination, the Old Boy (but guess the emotional breakthrough I had after the session with V, I had come to terms that even if I did, I could never find peace nor dispel my suffering for an involuntary decision that arose from my inability to cope).
Let me leave you with a tale from last Thursday. It was one of those quiet lonely nights where I didn't know how to deal with my pain. I was a person in transition-one foot trying to cross over to the future and another foot still trapped in my past with the fear of moving on. What next, I ask myself?
I had decided that the next day, Friday was going to be the last day of my life where I would see the Old Boy. One formal goodbye and that's it. I was determined to cut him off for good because I reckon that if I couldn't control the intensity of my emotions for him, I could at least control my own actions by staying away from him and keeping him out of my life.
But it's all come to change. The remnants of my past still continues to cling on to me, albeit less painful, thanks to the epiphanic moment I had acheived through V's counselling ("That's what I am here for," she said. Thank goodness for best friends). I feel my inner being undergoing a slow metamorphosis...
Last night, I made love to DL for the first time in a year. We were a little out of practice, we laughed. Opportunely, I got a text from a headhunter yesterday when I returbed- just last week, I was worrying about having a back up plan if my business opportunity fails given that my savings are fast dwindling. We go the news that the government has upped the grant significantly for first home buyers. Everything couldn't come at a greater time. I felt like it was a sign- time to let go and time to embrace the promises of my future.
****
From: The Old Boy
To: P
Subject: Dearest P
Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2008 01:40:13 +0000
Last night, you wrote this to me..."
"hey old boy, today i really felt the full weight of 2008 on me. its already oct. time really flies. if i were to make bold and ask if we cd pls re-live ballatine juz once more to seal up this year with one sweet memory for us so there is something everlastingly nice to reminisce privately as we grow old separtely, wud u oblige?"
My short answer is no. But you knew that even before you conjured the courage to ask me knowing full well that a negative response would plunge the knife deeper into your 2008. Knowing full well also that a positive response from me would NEVER mimic our great times at Ballantine earlier this year. Too much water has flowed under the bridege. I know how you've treasured those times at Bal but if you remember those good times, then i urge you with all of my heart, to keep on remembering those good times. I know that the memories are fading...of us meeting at that club...but what we have will never be taken away from us. We have wrote and sealed the memories in words. Some good memories, and some gawd awful ones. I have done much wrong to you...i admit and i would be the first to say i'm sorry. you KNOW that.
Our friendship has truly stood the test of time....through the rough seas and through it all, you stood tall...and i truly admire you for that. A lesser woman would have crumbled.
You have so much on your plate at the moment. What with Big M, and all the other suitors, what with your work and biz and sidelines, i wonder how you glue it all together? But might i remind you that your are building on only very little foundation and you do need to have standby plans in place. You need to be able to weather the economic storms and you need to know when to walk away and when to go for it. Yes, walking away IS an alternative. If this house of cards should crumble (and it might well crumble), you MUST know when to retreat. You CANNOT persue a dream that isn't there to being with...especially when it isn't yours to begin with. I see you fighting so hard to preserve that dream...that you lose your sleep, that you lose your wits and you lose your mind. Will it all be worth it in the end? That's a question only you will be able to answer.
But that's enough....i don't want to say anymore and i don't think i need to. You know my thoughts. You should know me well enough. You should know how i feel about our friendship and how much i truly treasure the times we shared, both online and offline. You should know that i care very much for you...(but perhaps not the way you'd like me to). Please note that this is NOT a blow off letter. Koran wrote a horrible blow off letter...I WANT to continue to be your friend. I know you do too.
I do wish you the best in your endevours and we will continue to communicate through ways other will not be able to comprehend. With our fingers, our thoughts, our hearts and our minds.
I am back. Back in Sad Town yesterday-got delayed by a day as I missed my plane. Yet again.
It's now October 2008 and I almost feel that I have reached the end of the year. This has been a year of emotional turmoils, people write offs,missed or delayed plane rides. I felt the weight of the year on me. It's time I moved on to a new life.
Abandoned or half completed drafts of blog entries still continues to sit in the hard drive of my laptop, haunting me to tell my tales.
A few days ago, my heart continued to squeeze with the thought of letting the Old Boy go, those memories of glorious and affectionate moments with him. But thanks to V, she sorted me out on a Saturday night in my bedroom as I sobbed uncontrollably. The entire week I have been crying and was inconsolable. I didn't even have the heart to party on my last weekend and say a few superficial but indispenable goodbyes to the smart set despite a number of social invitations; very unlike me and my coping style. Instead, I allowed my grief to get the better of me and continued to pray silently that I could get well in time for the following Monday where a new life awaits- DL (ever as forgiving and loving), a likely professional arrangement to become my own boss and moving into a new home (yes, DL is looking to buy)...
Last week was definitely a week of making peace and coming to terms with things. I will be posting "Rainchecks and Bad Debts" in a while. As with the prospect of leading a blissful life comes with the small price tag of culling out the debris of my life in the form of writing off people like Nano, Big M and even initially, with gritted determination, the Old Boy (but guess the emotional breakthrough I had after the session with V, I had come to terms that even if I did, I could never find peace nor dispel my suffering for an involuntary decision that arose from my inability to cope).
Let me leave you with a tale from last Thursday. It was one of those quiet lonely nights where I didn't know how to deal with my pain. I was a person in transition-one foot trying to cross over to the future and another foot still trapped in my past with the fear of moving on. What next, I ask myself?
I had decided that the next day, Friday was going to be the last day of my life where I would see the Old Boy. One formal goodbye and that's it. I was determined to cut him off for good because I reckon that if I couldn't control the intensity of my emotions for him, I could at least control my own actions by staying away from him and keeping him out of my life.
But it's all come to change. The remnants of my past still continues to cling on to me, albeit less painful, thanks to the epiphanic moment I had acheived through V's counselling ("That's what I am here for," she said. Thank goodness for best friends). I feel my inner being undergoing a slow metamorphosis...
Last night, I made love to DL for the first time in a year. We were a little out of practice, we laughed. Opportunely, I got a text from a headhunter yesterday when I returbed- just last week, I was worrying about having a back up plan if my business opportunity fails given that my savings are fast dwindling. We go the news that the government has upped the grant significantly for first home buyers. Everything couldn't come at a greater time. I felt like it was a sign- time to let go and time to embrace the promises of my future.
****
From: The Old Boy
To: P
Subject: Dearest P
Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2008 01:40:13 +0000
Last night, you wrote this to me..."
"hey old boy, today i really felt the full weight of 2008 on me. its already oct. time really flies. if i were to make bold and ask if we cd pls re-live ballatine juz once more to seal up this year with one sweet memory for us so there is something everlastingly nice to reminisce privately as we grow old separtely, wud u oblige?"
My short answer is no. But you knew that even before you conjured the courage to ask me knowing full well that a negative response would plunge the knife deeper into your 2008. Knowing full well also that a positive response from me would NEVER mimic our great times at Ballantine earlier this year. Too much water has flowed under the bridege. I know how you've treasured those times at Bal but if you remember those good times, then i urge you with all of my heart, to keep on remembering those good times. I know that the memories are fading...of us meeting at that club...but what we have will never be taken away from us. We have wrote and sealed the memories in words. Some good memories, and some gawd awful ones. I have done much wrong to you...i admit and i would be the first to say i'm sorry. you KNOW that.
Our friendship has truly stood the test of time....through the rough seas and through it all, you stood tall...and i truly admire you for that. A lesser woman would have crumbled.
You have so much on your plate at the moment. What with Big M, and all the other suitors, what with your work and biz and sidelines, i wonder how you glue it all together? But might i remind you that your are building on only very little foundation and you do need to have standby plans in place. You need to be able to weather the economic storms and you need to know when to walk away and when to go for it. Yes, walking away IS an alternative. If this house of cards should crumble (and it might well crumble), you MUST know when to retreat. You CANNOT persue a dream that isn't there to being with...especially when it isn't yours to begin with. I see you fighting so hard to preserve that dream...that you lose your sleep, that you lose your wits and you lose your mind. Will it all be worth it in the end? That's a question only you will be able to answer.
But that's enough....i don't want to say anymore and i don't think i need to. You know my thoughts. You should know me well enough. You should know how i feel about our friendship and how much i truly treasure the times we shared, both online and offline. You should know that i care very much for you...(but perhaps not the way you'd like me to). Please note that this is NOT a blow off letter. Koran wrote a horrible blow off letter...I WANT to continue to be your friend. I know you do too.
I do wish you the best in your endevours and we will continue to communicate through ways other will not be able to comprehend. With our fingers, our thoughts, our hearts and our minds.
