Thursday, July 08, 2010
The Swinging Bachelorette's Soul
I remembered being most in my element when I was single for that brief one year period in 2008.
Truth is, I enjoy being the swinging bachelorette.
The attention of various men of all shapes, colours, sizes and age.
That varied experience.
When in Paris, I used to use the word "collection" a lot since I was always sketching design collections. But Pato, my Chilean friend pointed out that I had a way of calling flings, love affairs and romantic encounters "my collection", like they were objects that I fancy collecting.
****
The Old Boy once said that I was so polygamous.
Funny,it should come from him.
The most polygamous of men.
We met under such context since we held the thieves of honour.
One of those very initial time we had our joint moments in the confines of a budget hotel, I recalled us laughing and talking about how one of his fucks rang him whilst his wife was in the car.
He paused and then looked at me in a considered way and said, "Funny how we can still hold a conversation like this after we have slept..."
We were in love then. I reckon for that brief summer I was back.
I had fun and meant for our affair to be laissez faire.
I had others and wasn't looking for exclusivity. Or rather, I purposely rejected the notion.
But I loved him best.
"What's in it for you, P? After all, he is married."
His cousin's young girlfriend asked.
"The certainty of no future." I answered.
I love the absoluteness of certain things. This was one of those things.
My pet phrase used to be "Can you handle it?"
*****
Some days, I wished our honey mooney affair could have lasted longer.
The sex was great, we had fun and I enjoyed his pamperings.
I didn't know I was capable of "betraying" him since I thought we were non-exclusive.
I have slept with his nemesis, Koran. I wasn't aware I couldn't sleep with anyone I liked.
After all, my status was "single".
I didn't know a polygamous person can be inclined to jealousy.
*****
Nano once said that he found me a non jealous girl, which is rare. All his girlfriends were and he once was too. Rightly so with the girls. After all, they would have snared themselves a gold mine (or rather two). Literally.
Surely, you'll settle down when you get married? he asked.
He was hopeful.
Maybe we could get married one day if things didn't work out with DL and you, he used to say.
That would have been awesome since we both love making money and reading books.
He had the chance when DL and I did break up but he appeared aloof and I didn't want to raise my expectations. Besides, I was cosying up to the Old Boy. I cancelled my flight to Manila.
Nano found out later and was became very quiet.
Afterwards, he was constantly on getting hooked to Chinese girls.
"Don't know what Chinese powers you have P but damn I am only attracted to Chinese girls now..."
Ironically, he once said he regretted not spending more time together with me when he met up with me in Sydney.
A year or so later, he was still reminiscing about our intimate moments and wished he had impregnanted me. "We would be married by now, wouldn't we?"
Funny, I thought it's a girl's tactic to make a man stay.
I quite fancy a cute Eurasian baby. Heh!
*****
The number of partners in crime have fast dwindled. As we know, my 2 best girlfriends are firmly attached, married and as one has put it, "She has just baked her muffin."
As for my male friends, most of them too are settled. Even they can't keep up with my partying and drinking. Harry, one of my best party mates and kiss and tell friend who once told me about man's seeding mentality is so gone and married. We used to have so much fun telling each other about our conquests and fun since he treated me as a male in female appearance. Coolios, Josie and a few other male friends said the same too. I have the advantage of a feminie look but the mind of an alpha male.
Dancer, whom I know since I was twelve is the only married guy friend who can't stop searching for love, intimacy and connection. After all, he has always been a dreamer and a love fool. Actually, the Old Boy have similar traits like him. A low pragmatic trait it seems for any aspiring cassanova.
Only DL can stand me, I was told.
*****
So I have been busted a couple of times by DL.
Disappointed, angry and resentful he has been.
He once warned me during one of those seemingly casual conversation with heavy undercurrents that one of the things he learnt in army was that whatever you do, don't get caught.
Each time, he took me back.
DL is one of those one woman man. He has a massive distaste for people who double or multiple time. He sees that as a sign of a person who doesn't know what they want.
I, on the other hand, have no fear of consequences.
As DL has always put it, I am "in my own world" and a individualist with no regard for others.
Besides, the discomfort experienced from any aftermath or consequences are impermanent, I tell myself.
Time will heal everything, obliterate histories and dim memories.
*****
Like any errant ship, one must finally dock at a harbour.
What I love most the familiar presence of his childlike ness.
When the world gets tough, I come home to a household of abundenance and love.
DL and Fluffball ever waiting with such warmness.
I love our childish jokes, our joint obsession with our daughter in the form of a fluffy rescued dog and how we intuitively read each other's minds in our daily lives.
At the end of the day, we have toughed it out and white-knuckle a tumultuous relationship that everyone thought will only head into doomsday.
We have both subjected each other to tests that most people could not have last within a year of the relationship.
Bitter sweet, love hate our relationship have always been.
We used to fuck like rabbits. Those days of magic as we know are long gone.
It's been almost ten years since DL's morals was first challenged when he met a vixen like me, left his girlfriend of six years. But still, he never left an errant girl like me.
I hope in time, we would re-kindle the old flame, do random road trips and shagged spontaneously like careless, sexed up school kids in the car by the roadside like we did many moons ago.
After all, I have the mindset of a swinging bachelorette.
All the honey of matrimony but none of the sting.
I must have my cake and eat it.
I remembered being most in my element when I was single for that brief one year period in 2008.
Truth is, I enjoy being the swinging bachelorette.
The attention of various men of all shapes, colours, sizes and age.
That varied experience.
When in Paris, I used to use the word "collection" a lot since I was always sketching design collections. But Pato, my Chilean friend pointed out that I had a way of calling flings, love affairs and romantic encounters "my collection", like they were objects that I fancy collecting.
****
The Old Boy once said that I was so polygamous.
Funny,it should come from him.
The most polygamous of men.
We met under such context since we held the thieves of honour.
One of those very initial time we had our joint moments in the confines of a budget hotel, I recalled us laughing and talking about how one of his fucks rang him whilst his wife was in the car.
He paused and then looked at me in a considered way and said, "Funny how we can still hold a conversation like this after we have slept..."
We were in love then. I reckon for that brief summer I was back.
I had fun and meant for our affair to be laissez faire.
I had others and wasn't looking for exclusivity. Or rather, I purposely rejected the notion.
But I loved him best.
"What's in it for you, P? After all, he is married."
His cousin's young girlfriend asked.
"The certainty of no future." I answered.
I love the absoluteness of certain things. This was one of those things.
My pet phrase used to be "Can you handle it?"
*****
Some days, I wished our honey mooney affair could have lasted longer.
The sex was great, we had fun and I enjoyed his pamperings.
I didn't know I was capable of "betraying" him since I thought we were non-exclusive.
I have slept with his nemesis, Koran. I wasn't aware I couldn't sleep with anyone I liked.
After all, my status was "single".
I didn't know a polygamous person can be inclined to jealousy.
*****
Nano once said that he found me a non jealous girl, which is rare. All his girlfriends were and he once was too. Rightly so with the girls. After all, they would have snared themselves a gold mine (or rather two). Literally.
Surely, you'll settle down when you get married? he asked.
He was hopeful.
Maybe we could get married one day if things didn't work out with DL and you, he used to say.
That would have been awesome since we both love making money and reading books.
He had the chance when DL and I did break up but he appeared aloof and I didn't want to raise my expectations. Besides, I was cosying up to the Old Boy. I cancelled my flight to Manila.
Nano found out later and was became very quiet.
Afterwards, he was constantly on getting hooked to Chinese girls.
"Don't know what Chinese powers you have P but damn I am only attracted to Chinese girls now..."
Ironically, he once said he regretted not spending more time together with me when he met up with me in Sydney.
A year or so later, he was still reminiscing about our intimate moments and wished he had impregnanted me. "We would be married by now, wouldn't we?"
Funny, I thought it's a girl's tactic to make a man stay.
I quite fancy a cute Eurasian baby. Heh!
*****
The number of partners in crime have fast dwindled. As we know, my 2 best girlfriends are firmly attached, married and as one has put it, "She has just baked her muffin."
As for my male friends, most of them too are settled. Even they can't keep up with my partying and drinking. Harry, one of my best party mates and kiss and tell friend who once told me about man's seeding mentality is so gone and married. We used to have so much fun telling each other about our conquests and fun since he treated me as a male in female appearance. Coolios, Josie and a few other male friends said the same too. I have the advantage of a feminie look but the mind of an alpha male.
Dancer, whom I know since I was twelve is the only married guy friend who can't stop searching for love, intimacy and connection. After all, he has always been a dreamer and a love fool. Actually, the Old Boy have similar traits like him. A low pragmatic trait it seems for any aspiring cassanova.
Only DL can stand me, I was told.
*****
So I have been busted a couple of times by DL.
Disappointed, angry and resentful he has been.
He once warned me during one of those seemingly casual conversation with heavy undercurrents that one of the things he learnt in army was that whatever you do, don't get caught.
Each time, he took me back.
DL is one of those one woman man. He has a massive distaste for people who double or multiple time. He sees that as a sign of a person who doesn't know what they want.
I, on the other hand, have no fear of consequences.
As DL has always put it, I am "in my own world" and a individualist with no regard for others.
Besides, the discomfort experienced from any aftermath or consequences are impermanent, I tell myself.
Time will heal everything, obliterate histories and dim memories.
*****
Like any errant ship, one must finally dock at a harbour.
What I love most the familiar presence of his childlike ness.
When the world gets tough, I come home to a household of abundenance and love.
DL and Fluffball ever waiting with such warmness.
I love our childish jokes, our joint obsession with our daughter in the form of a fluffy rescued dog and how we intuitively read each other's minds in our daily lives.
At the end of the day, we have toughed it out and white-knuckle a tumultuous relationship that everyone thought will only head into doomsday.
We have both subjected each other to tests that most people could not have last within a year of the relationship.
Bitter sweet, love hate our relationship have always been.
We used to fuck like rabbits. Those days of magic as we know are long gone.
It's been almost ten years since DL's morals was first challenged when he met a vixen like me, left his girlfriend of six years. But still, he never left an errant girl like me.
I hope in time, we would re-kindle the old flame, do random road trips and shagged spontaneously like careless, sexed up school kids in the car by the roadside like we did many moons ago.
After all, I have the mindset of a swinging bachelorette.
All the honey of matrimony but none of the sting.
I must have my cake and eat it.
